btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
