You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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