My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
