The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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