Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
