Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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