She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
