he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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