Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
