Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize