Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
