I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
