I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
