Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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