I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
