Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I supernannyed him into submission
wow bdsm is so cute
Randomize
