Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
