btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
