just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
