I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
