Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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