my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
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