Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
