This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
please come you make the beer taste better
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
