You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
