I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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