it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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