Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
