This is not my ceiling
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
