I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
