Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
