Screwed.edu
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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