On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
