I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
