In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize