So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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