Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
