I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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