I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
