God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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