The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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