Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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