I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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