He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize