I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
