I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
