turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
