I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
