I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
