My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
