I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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