Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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