you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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