I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
