We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
