I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Randomize
